The Accursed Frying Pan 

Hello Good People, it's John Lotkin here. 

I've left the comfort's of Larimar for a while to visit with Tara and Mr Omar in Cape Town. Tara says she's working on the next book now, which is pretty exciting. Writing is a pretty big project, though, and wanting to be a good guest, I decided to help her out with dinner by making my famous fish and chips. Well, it turns out Tara owns exactly one frying pan. One beautifully shiny, silver-bottomed pan that manages to ruin EVERY SINGLE THING it touches. I thought I’d try making her my famous fish and chips for dinner last night; instead, all I got was a naked-bottomed fillet and a sheet of burnt breadcrumbs. I thought, "Okay, John, no worries; maybe humans just aren’t sophisticated enough for fish and chips; let’s go for some eggs and potatoes." 

So I tried again. And again. AND AGAIN. No matter how much butter or oil or whale blubber I threw at this metal monstrosity, all I could manage was a crispy mound of black and brown egg goop. 

Come on humans! Where is your dignity? Where is your civilisation? Where is your non-stick cookware?

I was told afterward that Tara, being more of the writing sort than the cooking sort is a bit of an exception to the norm when it comes to pan ownership. She assured me this is a plight not common to all humans which, for the sake of stomachs everywhere, I hope is true. Goodness, I can’t even imagine what the oven will do to my brownies. 

If you should happen to find yourself in a similar situation, I would recommend the following: 

Beached potato and egg 10 point assistance plan  
  1. Assess damage.
  2. Accept the fact that the food is gone.
  3. Discard or eat any big chunks that come off easily.
  4. Drop a bit of water on the pan until it screams and steams like an angry sea vent.
  5. Scrape the bottom of the pan with a wooden spatula while the pan is still steaming, taking care not to burn your fingers off.
  6. Turn off stove. 
  7. Rinse pan in cold water. 
  8. Wash normally. 
  9. Get a dough scraper or a human magic money card (old credit card) to scrape any leftover spots that didn't come off with the steam therapy.
  10. Make toast instead.

Well, at least that the day wasn’t a total waste. I also spent some lovely time at the beach where I nabbed a photo of this sign. Nice to know you humans take care of your sea friends. Please keep it in mind if you ever see one in trouble.